not myself

I can't get out of my head today.
Every time I try to leave, I'm overcome with the feeling that I've forgotten something.
I go room to room, in my head.
- throwing pillows
-lifting papers
-sifting through pieces of me, strewn about my bedroom.
I get the feeling that what I'm looking for is myself. I seem to have forgotten parts in every room.

How can one person hold onto so much stuff?

Frantically, I search for my missing pieces, just to get out of my mind for a minute.
It's like trying to leave the house and thinking you left the stove on -- even if you can convince yourself you turned it off, a part of you will keep reminding you that your house is burning down.

You can't get very far with one foot in the door.

So maybe it's just better to stay in my head today.
Every time I try to leave, it's clear that I'm not myself.

overwhelmed with nostalgia.

i am 26 today.

these days

i feel drained. i need to spend some time with myself.

heavy

there's a lead lined hole in my chest.

it weighs me down everyday.

i feel it when my lungs expand and contract.

i'm waiting for it to kill me.

i think it might happen in my sleep sometime.

or possibly when i'm walking to the train.

the hunter

i have an addiction.

ever present. all consuming.

it makes my palms sweat and heart race.

adrenaline junky.

it hides behind ink-covered musculature. it grabs me from behind.

- sneaky.

i have a habit i don't know how to kick.

life sucking. life giving?

and it makes me hunt it.

sharpened eyes. sharpened talons.

i am its predator. i sense it everywhere.

grasping. clutching. groping. catching.

i take it by its heart and make it mine.

savory bliss. savor a kiss.

you bike riders/glasses wearers/Smiths listeners cannot hide.

fix.

15 minutes at the green eye

moments of silence breed your memory as a newborn regret to cradle.

when i am alone in stillness, i am harassed by the still-ness in my heart.

still wish you were here-ness.

still have so many what ifs-ness.

still hope you will come back-ness.

i create memories that never were in new places i go.

you felt like there's no love without sacrifice.

i shed tears and sacrifice myself on your altar daily.

the things that never were are what i miss most.