i am 26 today.

these days

i feel drained. i need to spend some time with myself.

heavy

there's a lead lined hole in my chest.

it weighs me down everyday.

i feel it when my lungs expand and contract.

i'm waiting for it to kill me.

i think it might happen in my sleep sometime.

or possibly when i'm walking to the train.

the hunter

i have an addiction.

ever present. all consuming.

it makes my palms sweat and heart race.

adrenaline junky.

it hides behind ink-covered musculature. it grabs me from behind.

- sneaky.

i have a habit i don't know how to kick.

life sucking. life giving?

and it makes me hunt it.

sharpened eyes. sharpened talons.

i am its predator. i sense it everywhere.

grasping. clutching. groping. catching.

i take it by its heart and make it mine.

savory bliss. savor a kiss.

you bike riders/glasses wearers/Smiths listeners cannot hide.

fix.

15 minutes at the green eye

moments of silence breed your memory as a newborn regret to cradle.

when i am alone in stillness, i am harassed by the still-ness in my heart.

still wish you were here-ness.

still have so many what ifs-ness.

still hope you will come back-ness.

i create memories that never were in new places i go.

you felt like there's no love without sacrifice.

i shed tears and sacrifice myself on your altar daily.

the things that never were are what i miss most.

thoughts while listening to Radiohead on shuffle

full moon, just post-twilight sky.

breathe in and release.

it's the beginning of "that time" again.

(listening to exit music from the start this time,

just to be sure i get it right this time.)

first few autumn nights.

inhale and release.

just trying to see a few stars.

(trying not to disappear completely this time.

trying not to, "but for a minute, i lost myself" this time.)

clear skies, cool breeze.

suck it in, blow it out.

hand holding opportunity.

(not gonna rush it this time.

gonna do it just right this time.)