a ghost

is there a reason for the heaviness i carry with me?

there's a warmth i feel when i stand still;

there's a rhythmic breath against my back.

is there a reason i can't feel the lightness of peace?

"there are roses in your hair and a lily on your breast."

there are your songs playing in my dreams again.

is there a reason i can't forget about you?

there are miles between us now.

there's a stranger in your bed.

is there a reason you won't stop haunting me?

there are millions of reasons.

there are millions of distractions.

2am

it's that time of the morning when i can finally be alone: i bounce ideas off the moon and whisper sweet nothings to my pillow. twilight, a good winter, hazy red wine evenings. . .

me: i haven't mastered nostalgic and neutral yet.

moon: "been over this, so over this."

me: i am happy. i feel nothing. i am hopeful. i feel nothing.

moon: "i wish i could free your mind as i have freed your heart."

me: what might have been lost is me.

moon: "the universe is infinite. she gives us many gifts. there is joy to be had, my friend, there is much joy."

my bed swallows me in its embrace. my heart swells with love and pain.

it's hard to love people when you're scared of love.

Are we there yet?

Getting back into the world of singledom is strange when you haven't been there in a while. It involves keeping late hours and always looking your best. Gotta get over the fear of talking to strangers so you can make new friends and meet new people. And then, once you've met "him", what next? Over the weekend, this question was posed to me over and over, "At what point does he become 'my boyfriend?'"

I mean, we've all been there before. At some point we recognized that the time had come and taken the plunge. Then back to being single and it all gets complicated again. And not just for women either. Everyone has this problem. Do you formally ask for permission to use the term? Should there be gifts exchanged? Dinner at a fancy restaurant? Or do you go totally casual and spring it on him? Maybe there's a discussion involved?

In my personal experience, I've just asked, "Are you my boyfriend?" or been asked, "Can I call you my girlfriend?" But then, being out on single safari, it just seems like that would be really awkward. I think that I must have selective dating memory and forget all the traumatic experiences once I get into a comfortable relationship. It couldn't have been that easy to just ask about it. I can barely ask for a phone number, let alone a commitment.

At the end of the day, I have to think that "honesty is the best policy" and "when you're ready, you'll know" and all those other, horrible cliches that people use as advice when they give you no definite answer whatsoever. Every relationship has it's own dynamic and at some point one of you will blurt it out or the suspense will kill you enough to ask. And a little red wine never hurts either.

i tried my best.

I'm sorry

Dear World,

I am sorry I've been so strange lately... confrontational, insecure, upset.... I just had a memory that made me smile and realize that I am happy with the way things are. I had created an idea that you and I were on the outs, that perhaps you were always my nemesis. But, dearest Universe, I know that you have love for me and that I have love for you. I remembered the little messages that you leave for me to find to let me know. I am love today. :)

on the pages

In serif and sans, typed up and by hand.

Laughter,

grins,

giggles,

smiles, .

Thoughts as letters, feelings in venn diagram.

Tears,

blood,

emptiness,

heavy sighs.

Read aloud and in the streets.

Love,

longing,

content,

sad goodbyes.

"Click-clack, click-clack,"

- typists speak in keys.

Lists,

poems,

stories

til he dies.

Right now

Merlot.

Radiohead.

"And it wears me out, it wears me out.

It wears me out, it wears me out.

All the time.

Nonono

I'll walk away because you asked me to.

Find and love someone new.

I'll pretend just for you.

Kiss them and hold them as you want me to do.

But I will never forget and I will never like it,

Because the person that I chose was you.

Isn't it odd?

When sitting in complete silence I can feel gravity tugging at my hair.

You might think it strange to feel the force of 9.8 meters per second squared.

I find it quite normal to be aware of things at the roots.

When sitting, staring blankly at the wall, I feel exposed.

Feeling naked fully clothed is quite strange, I suppose,

But I can imagine the stares deep in my thoughts.

When sitting in the dark, I feel light headed.

Dizzy yet supported by thick night, strangely embedded.

I am not yet grounded in the embrace of night.

When laying on my bed I can feel time slip away.

You might think it quite odd to worry about time as I lay.

But I want to catch the seconds in my palm.

When sleeping I can feel you disappear.

Strange in slumber to let go of what is dear.

I will abstain from dreams tonight.